I’ve been feeling very torn lately, about how I should view
and operate in life. I want to see God do big things in my life. I want to see
Him more mountains, and I’ve got a lot of mountains to move. But I also want to
find contentment with the ordinary. To see His providential hand at work across
my life as well. Am I called to live an extraordinary life, or a “normal” life?
If I settle for normal, am I missing out on experiencing God’s blessings? Or,
if I’m always waiting on the next big move of God in my life, am I missing out
on His orchestrating the ordinary together for me.
Maybe there is truth in all of what I just wrote. I used to
think God’s will was very particular, and if I didn’t get it right I would miss
out on blessings He had in store for me.
Now, I think God’s will is more flexible, and I don’t fear missing it
the way I did in the past. I trust His Sovereign Hand in all the details, but I
think there’s freedom in what I explore in my life. I figure, He’ll still teach
me what I need to learn and help grow me in how I need to grow, but He can use
multiple ways to do that for me. I don’t feel boxed in anymore.
But I think my vision needs to be checked.
I don’t want to settle for an ordinary life, I mean, who
does? It sounds so… well, boring.
And yet, God is at work in ordinary ways and processes all
around me.
Maybe what I need is help in seeing the miraculous in the
mundane.
So that’s what this blog is going to explore. I’ve let go of
a lot of my big dreams, but now I’m not sure what to do with the life I have. I
don’t want to waste it, which is what I fear I am doing. But I’m not sure what
I’m meant to pursue, either. I have responsibilities that keep me grounded for
the time being, but should I be planning for the next big thing? Is it wrong to want more, to want to see God
move in big ways, to want to step out in faith and see where He takes me?
I feel boxed in, and I’m pretty sure that’s not how God
wants us to live, feeling boxed in. Part of this is more because of bad choices
I’ve made, that now I’m reaping the consequences for, which means my reality
sucks.
But there are relationships that bring me hope, and people
who speak encouragement to me in my struggles, people that want to see me grow
as well.
I’m unsure of what I could really accomplish. I’m scared to
step out in faith to pursue my dreams only to have them fall apart in front of
me again. But, living in fear is not really what God has called me to, either.
So, you can understand my dilemma, how I can feel torn by
what I’m experiencing, unsure what to pursue or anticipate or strive towards,
what to pray for God to do in me and for me and through me, and I need a
greater perspective of it all. So I’m going to explore this all with you, and
see hopefully where God leads me, and have my faith muscles strengthened after
all. I hope that maybe you can identify with the struggles I face and can be
encouraged through my walk of faith as well.
“For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face.
Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.”
1 Corinthians 13:12
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