Community is an opportunity for us to be miraculous

Racism. It's a loaded word in our day and age. But it's a reality, even though we all bleed the same, we judge people I guess to make ourselves feel better? I'm not quite sure what the benefits of racism are, all I see are the devastating effects. 

Last night, I listened to a white girl try to tell a group of African American girls that even though her grandmother is racist, she's not. She, after all, has a black boyfriend. Of course she's not racist. 

But is she?

I am white, and I felt awkward listening to her. I knew what she was trying to say, but the way she got there was so... wrong. It felt like she was getting in racist jabs and then able to say oh no, that's not me, I'm not racist. 

And I let her keep on. Aren't I just as much to blame?  

I tried to explain to her tonight how she offended the other girls, but she was like, no, if they'd listened to me they would know and understand the racist one was my grandmother, I'm not like her. So, she refuses to apologize to them. 

Which leaves me in a sticky place. 

I think... being there, I'm aware of my privilege as an educated white person. I try to act like race is not an issue. But of course it is. And, I am the only white girl working there. 

I wish, I had interrupted that girl. She was... so ugly with what she said. Yet at the end, her claim of not being racist, was just supposed to erase all the hurtful things she said before that?  

I don't know the protocol when it comes to diffusing racist comments and attitudes. But I know I could have reacted better in that specific situation, so now hopefully I'm better equipped for next time. 

I guess... I see all people, of all backgrounds, all races, all cultures, well, we're all made in God's image, and we are different, yet we're the same, and yet, all of our differences make us unique and beautiful! 

I know my own friendships and personal life does not reflect the diversity I would like it to, although I had a friend from grad school who is black, but I haven't kept up with her well. I don't know.  

I know I wish my church reflected the diversity of the city more. 

Well, our city is racially and socio-economically divided. All you have to do is take a map, fold it into fourths, and you can trace the divide straight down. 

So how can we overcome the divide?

I want my life to reflect the same diversity we should see in the body of Christ, I want people from all different backgrounds and cultures and beliefs as a part of my life! I’ve always thought it would be cool to do a Bible study with a group of non-believers to get their insight and perspective.

I always thought I’d be a missionary to a far off country, reaching out to a unique culture, offering the peace, hope, joy, and life of Christ. But I’m here. There are still many people here of diverse backgrounds, so what’s stopping me from making them my friends now? 

I think… this is going to take more intentionality on my part. Because we tend to naturally gravitate towards people who are like us. But that’s because it’s so easy. Maybe true community isn’t just easy. Confronting racism is not easy.

But, it’s got to be done.

I keep thinking, maybe racism is what is mundane. And maybe offering true, deep, diverse, faith filled community is what is miraculous for us to offer. Because Christ’s blood is what brings us all together, we’re all the same, in that we all are in need of a savior. The cross is for all.

I’m going to keep thinking about this, because there’s more to chew on. But that’s what I have so far. 

The Bachelor, Fantasy and Reality

I can’t say I never watch the Bachelor. It’s on in my house, and sometimes I join in watching with my mom. But I always feel so torn. You root for the girl you want to end up with the man, or vice versa, but it’s like, is this what dating has been reduced to?

I don’t think it’s a good idea to date 30 or 20 or 10 or 5 or even 2 people at once. Not just because it’d be a bear to remember all those birthdays, which it would. But more because, one person is falling in love with multiple people without natural consequences, which leaves the person not chosen feeling used and with a broken heart.

I just watched a few minutes of the show on my way to bed. And the girl who went out on a one on one date is shown making out with the guy, and she’s talking over the scene saying they have a good foundation to fall in love. And I’m thinking, what in the world does she define as a good foundation? She has to compete with ten other women at this point to win his heart. He’s going out with all these other women who feel the same way as far as wanting to fall in love with him, so the women are throwing themselves at him – after all, it is a competition, may the best woman win – what kind of foundation is that?  I just, it all makes me feel sad for the women caught up in this cultural lie, that this is a good way to date and meet the man of your dreams. After all, in the real world, if you were dating Bobby, and he told  you he was also dating Sally and Jenny and Lisa and Courtney, would you actually keep dating Bobby? No, of course not, he needs to make up his mind about what he wants and pursue one woman at a time. Oh, but there’s another mythological relationship being hailed here – the SOULMATE. This is why you need to date so many people, to make sure you find the right one. If it’s the right one, you’ll certainly fall in love with them. But the thing is, I don’t think there’s only one soulmate out there searching for you. There’s not just one person, that, if you miss, you’re sunk.  Kind of like God’s will. God gives you permission to pursue a number of things with your life, and of course you’ll wind up in His Will, but you don’t need to worry or fear that if you do or don’t do this or that, like if you marry the wrong person, take the wrong job, move to the wrong city, you’ll be destined for a miserable life. God’s Will is more about, well, making us holy, and He can do that many ways, and there are probably a number of people you could marry who would help you become more holy, and you can serve God through whatever job you choose, and you can build into community in whatever city or country you find yourself in.

               I guess I just feel sad when it’s clear that many women are falling in love with the same man – on purpose. You know the odds are stacked against you, yet you risk it all for the reward… but is that reward worth the heartache you put yourself through?  I’m not trying to short change the bachelor, he is great, but, he’s a professional player, for a multi-billion dollar television show, and his motives are not necessarily pure. He’s in it to find love, on the one hand, but he’s more than willing to experiment with many women to make that love manifest. He’s willing to make out with multiple girls, to get intimate with multiple girls, maybe even to have sex with multiple girls… to meet his needs… it seems like a very selfish way to date, if you ask me.

               I understand the desire to meet “the one.” We desperately want romance and love, everyone wants love, unconditional love, intimacy… but our culture has blurred intimacy with sex, and sex as the ultimate way of experiencing love and in turn experiencing intimacy… I’m 36 years old, single, and I’m ready to meet the one. Someone! Anyone? I guess at times it may seem I’m grasping to just hold on to one.  And, there is something I can learn from the Bachelor, you have to take risks to fall in love. You have to put yourself out there, and have faith that things will work out for the best. You may have your heart broken, but you don’t know until you open up if things are really going to work.  I just don’t think it’s healthy, necessary, or good, to do that with 29 other women competing for the same man.

               What makes a man attractive in the first place? Is it… their physical body?  I think… there is an element of truth in wanting to be attracted to whoever you date, sure. But a person is so much more than their physical body. Is it, their successful career?  To make sure he can provide for his family? Well, yes, dating someone who can provide for your needs is important, but we’d probably need to evaluate wants and needs to be clear about that point as well.

               My pastor told me that a man who shows humility and an eagerness to learn, who’s not proud but willing to grow… that’s an important trait to have. I happen to agree with that assessment. It’s not flashy though, it may not make any TV shows as a top priority, (unless you’re watching the Duggars, they probably really value humility in a man,) but isn’t it important?

               I just, if a relationship is really going to last, you have to be willing to put your needs to the side and pursue the needs of the other person, and I don’t see that happening on the Bachelor. Instead, there’s a man selfishly getting his desires fulfilled, (really, what man wouldn’t love having 30 beautiful women throwing themselves at him) and then women desperate to be chosen, reduced to appealing to his physical desires…

               I guess I’m realizing that, romance, in real life, needs to be found in the mundane. Because that’s reality. That’s day in, day out, what we really experience. Of course traveling to Singapore and bungi jumping on a one on one date is going to automatically bond two people together. But that really only happens on TV, and make no mistake, even though that’s masquerading as reality television, it’s not reality. At all.

               The person you date may not be voted the hottest man of the year. But, is he a good man? Does he love God? Does he want to point you closer to Christ in a gentle but firm way? Can he acknowledge his own shortcomings and sins?  Is he humble?  Does he love his family well? How does he interact with his friends? Does he seek to serve and be involved with a local community and church home? Maybe these aren’t the glamourous details, they don’t pull in tons of ratings, they don’t capitalize on the drama… but do you want something real, or the TV drama? Because the reality of the TV drama is, most of those women will have their hearts broken. And that’s not pretty.

               I don’t know, it’s just, conceptually the show bothers me, but it’s been around for years now, it’s a cultural norm not just a phenomenon… I just think there’s a better way.

               A mundane, ordinary, gritty, dirty, beautiful way.

Summer Lights Tour

This past Friday I took a friend to the Summer Lights concert tour in Charlotte, NC.  We had an awesome time worshiping with each artist. Let’s see, there was Jimi Cravity, Meredith Andrews, Natalie Grant, Jeremy Camp, and Mercy Me.  And the whole show was wonderful.

Let’s be honest, I wasn’t expecting much.  I knew some of the artists from the radio, but… I have this natural skepticism towards Christian music, and I’m not sure why.  I listen to it, and there are only a few songs that bother me because their theology is way off, but… anyhow I was blessed Friday night, beyond my expectations, with a night of worship, singing praises to God, lifting my hands, tears pouring down my face over half the songs…

The songs that made me cry had to do with being broken and waiting on God’s Hand to move, but then trusting that He is enough even if His hand did not move to rescue us out of our circumstances. It’s a message that I have been wrestling with, and needed to hear once again. 

So… I’ve screwed up some things in my life pretty well, now. So I’ve been stuck in a job that’s not going anywhere, kicked out of grad school, unsure where life is taking me, getting ditched by the guy I was hoping to date… It’s uncomfortable, and I want out.  God knows I want out. I’ve fasted and prayed, and continue to do so, holding on to God’s promises, especially Jeremiah 29:11, that God has plans to prosper me and not to harm me, to give me a hope and a future. 

I know I may have to suffer the consequences of my actions for a long time.

I also know change is inevitable.

The concert. It was so encouraging, singing along, meditating on the words of each song. 

The tagline for the concert was, Escape the Ordinary.  So I of course had to weigh in, could a concert of praise and worship really allow one to escape the ordinary for a night?  And my answer…

The songs forced me to wrestle with God’s Sovereignty, while encouraging me of his faithful presence. They helped change my perspective.  They didn’t make my problems disappear, but they did alter how I perceived them, even just for those few hours.

I wasn’t just encouraged by the music Friday night. My soul was ministered to and fed by a deep sense of worship and awe of my creator, sustainer, Father, lover of my soul.

For a little over four hours Friday night, in the sticky humid summer heat, I did escape the ordinary.  And I was encouraged to help deal with the ordinary problems that seem insurmountable in this moment.

Can a concert really change your life? 

Did this concert change my life?  Well, it definitely challenged me to consider God’s faithfulness to me in all of my circumstances, and it pushed me to trust God’s provision for me.

I’m trying to decide, when I look back on my life, if I would point to this concert as a pivotal moment.  And… if the goal was to help me worship in all of life’s circumstances, yes, this concert pointed me there. I didn’t learn new truths, I was reminded of God’s faithfulness. I needed to hear it sung over me.

I don’t think it’s a bad thing to “escape the ordinary”. Thank God for the Summer Lights tour.  

Introduction to the Miraculous in the Mundane

I’ve been feeling very torn lately, about how I should view and operate in life. I want to see God do big things in my life. I want to see Him more mountains, and I’ve got a lot of mountains to move. But I also want to find contentment with the ordinary. To see His providential hand at work across my life as well. Am I called to live an extraordinary life, or a “normal” life? If I settle for normal, am I missing out on experiencing God’s blessings? Or, if I’m always waiting on the next big move of God in my life, am I missing out on His orchestrating the ordinary together for me. 

Maybe there is truth in all of what I just wrote. I used to think God’s will was very particular, and if I didn’t get it right I would miss out on blessings He had in store for me.  Now, I think God’s will is more flexible, and I don’t fear missing it the way I did in the past. I trust His Sovereign Hand in all the details, but I think there’s freedom in what I explore in my life. I figure, He’ll still teach me what I need to learn and help grow me in how I need to grow, but He can use multiple ways to do that for me. I don’t feel boxed in anymore.

But I think my vision needs to be checked.

I don’t want to settle for an ordinary life, I mean, who does?  It sounds so… well, boring.

And yet, God is at work in ordinary ways and processes all around me.

Maybe what I need is help in seeing the miraculous in the mundane.

So that’s what this blog is going to explore. I’ve let go of a lot of my big dreams, but now I’m not sure what to do with the life I have. I don’t want to waste it, which is what I fear I am doing. But I’m not sure what I’m meant to pursue, either. I have responsibilities that keep me grounded for the time being, but should I be planning for the next big thing?  Is it wrong to want more, to want to see God move in big ways, to want to step out in faith and see where He takes me? 

I feel boxed in, and I’m pretty sure that’s not how God wants us to live, feeling boxed in. Part of this is more because of bad choices I’ve made, that now I’m reaping the consequences for, which means my reality sucks.

But there are relationships that bring me hope, and people who speak encouragement to me in my struggles, people that want to see me grow as well.

I’m unsure of what I could really accomplish. I’m scared to step out in faith to pursue my dreams only to have them fall apart in front of me again. But, living in fear is not really what God has called me to, either.

So, you can understand my dilemma, how I can feel torn by what I’m experiencing, unsure what to pursue or anticipate or strive towards, what to pray for God to do in me and for me and through me, and I need a greater perspective of it all. So I’m going to explore this all with you, and see hopefully where God leads me, and have my faith muscles strengthened after all. I hope that maybe you can identify with the struggles I face and can be encouraged through my walk of faith as well. 

“For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.” 1 Corinthians 13:12